8. Super Heroes and Daffodils

This week we talk about Imposter Syndrome, Marvel Super Heroes, and how Leah knows absolutely nothing about flowers.

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Transcript

Intro: Hi, I'm Leah. 3 of my strongest skills include writing, speaking and overthinking and over feeling, literally everything in my life to a crazy nuanced degree. I've decided to use these traits to create a podcast where you and I will share this space to talk about life and what makes it so tough sometimes, no matter what age or stage of life you're in. Welcome to the Leah ideology podcast. I'm your host, Leah Wagner. I'm so glad you're here.

Leah: Hi friend. I'm so glad that you're here. I'm so glad that you're back or I'm so glad that you found us. However you got here I am so glad that you are here. I know that I start every episode with that, but every episode I just am filled with gratitude and excitement that we get to share this space together and that I know lives can get busy. I know that schedules can get busy and you need to divvy up your time and attention into a million different ways. And so the fact that I have it even for just a little bit, I don't take it for granted. I know how special it is. And so I want you to know how grateful I am that you are here spending some time with me. So welcome back or welcome here. I hope everyone feels welcome.

I do have to tell you though. I don't know if you remember me saying a couple episodes ago that I have two cats at my house and James has two cats at his house. The clingiest of those four cats is his cat named Princess Leah. His cat's names are Princess Leah and Luke Skywalker. I am told that these are famous characters from a space franchise, movie franchise, something like that. I don't know. I'm not really good with the pop culture of it all. But he has Luke and Leah and Princess is the clingy one. And we were just on vacation for the past week. And she is a little anxious, now that we're back. She is clingy by nature. So leaving her for a week and coming back, she is now clingy times 100. And so she is right here, purring her little face off. And so you might be able to hear her here if I put the microphone up to her, hold on.

Princess: Meow meow.

She's the sweetest little friend. She's the most precious, but she is a clingy one. She must be right beside you. So if you hear what might sound like a jet plane, a B52 bomber, just know that it's princess coming in for some cuddles. 

The episode this week is a message that I've been needing to hear lately. In case it isn't obvious from listening to the podcast or following me on social media. You guys, I love words. I am a true lover of words and the power that they have. I have always been fascinated by words. When I was younger, I was an early reader. I was articulate at a young age. I wrote a book about my teacher when I was in first grade called Connie's Adventures. So for as long as I can remember, I've always had an affinity for words. And as I grew older, it became song lyrics. Oh my God, you guys, you give me a song with some good harmonies and some good lyrics that tell me a story or make me feel something, oh my God, I will be putty in your hand.

I love listening to the lyrics of songs. I love it. I love mindlessly scrolling through social media and reading random quotes on Instagram. Please. Oh my God. Someone tell me that they understand how that feels so that I am not the cheese that stands alone. I love words. They affect me. The quickest way to my heart is to sweet talk me. You guys, I am a sucker for a sweet talking man. On the opposite side of that coin, the fastest way to hurt me is to insult me with your words. I take them all very, very personally. Words affect me. So when I find myself in a weird mental space or wanting to numb out from the rest of the world, or needing to feel less lonely, I often turn to reading quotes or other people's words because of the way they make me feel when I read them, like someone gets it. Someone gets how I feel. Someone has felt what I feel and they can put into words better than I can, how we are both feeling, even though they've never met me before. I think that that is an incredible power. Maybe even a superpower.

My boyfriend James has successfully introduced me to the world of Marvel. And before dating him, I thought that Marvel was something that you did when you looked at something with wonder or astonishment. And now I know that there's a whole world of Marvel characters that I had ignorantly dismissed as children's stories. One of the first Marvel movies that he and I watched together was guardians of the galaxy. And, oh my God, I was instantly hooked. I was instantly hooked. I laughed, I cried. I decided officially that Chris Pratt and I need to become best friends. I really truly think that I could pull off being completely and entirely all green, like Gamora. And I finally understood that people were saying Gruit and I knew who they were referring to, finally. And yes, he's precious and adorable and absolutely perfect. 

What I love about the Marvel movies and what I originally didn't understand about them is how much human emotion and backstory and feeling and conflict resolution really do play a part in the world of superheroes. I'm not a very big fan of the fight scenes or the big action shots, but I was hooked to every Marvel storyline and felt connected to so many characters because of the humanness that exists within these larger than life characters. I wholeheartedly admit that I judge Marvel movies before really getting to know them. And now that I have watched several, I can honestly say that I am a fan. 

Now that we're on episode eight of this podcast, I'm trying to really narrow down what I want this space to be. Is it a space about parenting? Well, yes and no. Yes, because I'm a mom. And so writing stories about my son is something I enjoy doing, but do I want it to be exclusively about parenting? No. Is this a space for mental health, for storytelling? What kinds of guests should I have on the show? And what kinds of conversations should we have? There is so much to think about, and I'm very, very, very new to the world of podcasting. So it's really easy to get wrapped up in the craziness of it all. But my biggest issue, the thing that I struggle with the most is the voices inside my own head telling me that I'm not good enough to do it, telling me I'm not smart enough to do it. Asking me who would listen to your podcast? There are millions of podcasts. Why would anybody care about yours? What makes yours special? Telling me that there are people doing podcasts that are way more qualified than me, and they have way more education. So why would I even try to compete with them? Reminding me that I've started projects in the past and I haven't followed through on them all the time. So why would this be any different? 

You guys, the dialogue that I have with myself is not only enough to make any sane person feel crazy, but it is also entirely filled with complete self doubt, comparison to others and fear of embarrassment. It turns out there's actually a title for this. Like other people have felt this way, enough people that it was given a title, which is somehow comforting to me. Like I can't be that crazy if other people feel this way. According to the website, verywellmind.com, a compassionate resource that helps you prioritize your mental health and wellbeing. They explain what it means to have something called imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome according to the Very Well Mind website is an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be, as if you are a fraud.

Miriam Webster defines imposter syndrome in part as persistent doubt, concerning one's abilities or accomplishments, accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud, despite evidence of one's ongoing success. You guys, this is me. They're talking about me. this is why it took me forever to start this podcast. This is why it still terrifies me to keep making episodes for this podcast. I'm afraid it's not going to be any good because somewhere inside of me, I don't feel like I'm good enough. And therefore I'm just out here faking it and you guys will eventually figure it out and call me out on it. And it'll be a whole thing. And according to the Very Well Mind website, which I'll absolutely link in the show notes on my website So you can read more about the imposter syndrome and what you can do to help combat it If you feel that you are struggling with it as well. 

According to the Very Well Mind website, there are five types of imposter syndrome, the expert, the natural genius, the soloist, the super person, and where your girl falls, the perfectionist. This type of imposter syndrome involves believing that unless you were absolutely perfect, you could have done better. You feel like an imposter because your perfectionistic traits make you believe that you're not as good as others might think you are. You guys this is pretty much the vibe of my mental dialogue within myself, all the time, lots of self doubt and lots of questioning my own worth and validity.

Inside our own minds is sometimes one of the scariest and loneliest places to be, isn't it? So in order to combat this, I use words. I read quotes from people who can empathize with how I feel. I listen to music with lyrics that will help me clear my mind. And I write to help process and remind myself that just because I have the thoughts of self doubt, that doesn't make them true. I know it's easier said than done. It's easier said than done, but it's worth a shot. There's so much tension happening everywhere. Locally, globally. I feel like anywhere we can get some words of encouragement, we should huddle close to it. Like we're getting warm from a campfire.

I wrote this blog post in the summer of 2017, it's called Consider the Daffodil. Let's be clear. I don't have a green thumb. I don't even have like a bluish green thumb or a yellow thumb that in the right light may have a greenish tint to it. My thumb is brown, A, because I'm Asian and B, because that's the color that any living plant becomes if it spends any length of time in my care. Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge appreciator of flowers. I can stop and enjoy the beauty of a Lily or tole up at Easter time. I'll take the time to pick up my fallen jaw when I see an Amaryllis in brilliant full bloom, and don't even get me started on [Peandes13:01] . I have seen very few things in my life that are as beautiful as a peony in full bloom. And I've seen Carrie Underwood, perform live. 

I mean, my house is filled with flowers. There's flowers all over the place. They're all fake, but they're flowers nonetheless, and they don't die. It wasn't until this past year however, that I really took a deeper moment to appreciate how flowers actually work. In 2016, my family moved from Pittsburgh back to my hometown of Ligonier. I had my heart set on buying an old home in town, a home that was close to everything going on, a home that was within walking distance to the center of town and a home with a postage stamp-sized yard. I hate lawn care, mowing, flower beds, mulch. no I can't. I find no peace in it. And we've already established that I don't do it very well. So no thank you. 

The property that we eventually purchased has over an acre of land and I have more flower beds than I'd like to acknowledge. My dad repeatedly says it's a nice piece of property and he's 100% correct. Please don't think that I'm ungrateful. It's just not what I had envisioned. Once we got moved in and settled and we were learning what we needed to do to care for our new home and our new property, my dad brought a little circular flower bed to my attention. It's in our front yard. You can see it when you turn into our driveway, it's about the size of a manhole cover and it's filled with daffodils. 

One late fall day my dad said, the next time we mow, we can mow right over those daffodils, they're done for the year. And in that moment, I honestly thought to myself, awesome. Less to worry about in this continent-sized yard, bye daffodils, don't let the door hit ya on the way out. So we mowed them down and nothing was left, but a circular flower bed with a buzz cut. And to me, it looked glorious. The following spring however, when we put our snow shovels away and we started to hear the peer pressure of our neighbors mowing their lawns, I was coming home from dropping my kid off at school. And as I turned into the driveway, low and behold, there were daffodils sprouting up where we had recently chopped them down. 

Days went by and more sprouts appeared. And before I knew it, I had an entire flower bed of yellow daffodils again. This got me thinking, number one, I really don't know anything about flowers, like none. And number two, what does this say about the power of resilience and timing? Take a moment and think about your life, your past and your present. Think about the mistakes you've made and the victories you've had. Think about the days that were painful. The days you struggled to even get out of bed and think about the days where you thought that life couldn't get any better. And then think about where you are right now, are you where you want to be? 

I would venture to guess that most of you are thinking to yourselves, something like this. I thought I'd be further ahead right now. I thought I'd have more career success by now. I thought I would've lost the weight by now. I thought I'd be married with kids at this point. I thought my marriage would have lasted. I thought my life would look different than it does right now. Take all those thoughts, the good, the bad and the ugly and consider the daffodil. Daffodils are the most carefree, springtime flower. They grow almost anywhere and they aren't bothered by deer or any other pesky animals. They aren't even affected by lawnmowers. Daffodils. Don't compare themselves to the other flowers in the garden, no matter how pretty and full the other flowers appear to be. Daffodils take what life throws at them, the weather, the environment, the John Deeres. They take on those things, give them their time and then let them go, knowing that they are not any less of a daffodil because of the struggles that they've faced.

Daffodils don't try to sprout first. They don't try to sprout before other flowers. They don't try to beat the other flowers to any finish line. They grow and they bloom when they are ready to grow and bloom. They bloom when they are ready to bloom and they bloom right where they are. The same goes for you friend. You have had your bad days. You've seen some rough times. I know you have, you've had your share of lawnmowers run you over and maybe life isn't where you think it should be right now. But that doesn't mean you still aren't meant to bloom. That doesn't mean that your story is over. That doesn't mean that you can't come back to life when the timing is right. And that doesn't mean that you can't bloom right where you are. 

The first step and the most important and oftentimes the hardest step is believing in the power of who you are. Believing that you still have strength and beauty, even though dark days have come your way. You have the power and ability to keep going or to start over completely. And you have the resilience to bloom over and over and over again. And you'll be just as beautiful every single time. I mean, just look at the daffodils.

I thought that the timing was perfect to come across this blog post because I've been struggling with my own personal blooming lately questioning whether or not this podcast is the right thing to be doing, or if I'm just making a fool out of myself. Wondering if there is a space for what I wanna talk about, even though I haven't fully narrowed down what that is yet. And wondering if there's anything I bring to the table that hasn't already been brought to the table. It's scary to put your words and thoughts out there for the world to analyze and critique. It's hard to not be consumed by the numbers and the charts and the ratings of it all. And even though your friends and family think you're fun to listen to, that doesn't necessarily mean that the people of the world will be as kind. 

I was expressing all these thoughts to James one day, because along with being my boyfriend, one of his main responsibilities is being the sounding board for all the random thoughts that go through my head and then out my mouth. And he reminded me of one of my favorite Marvel movies, guardians of the galaxy. He said, the thing about Marvel movies is that the writers of the characters very well may have based their characters on real life people. And I really think that it was someone like you, who inspired the character of Mantis in the guardians of the galaxy. Mantis for those who aren't familiar is an empath with the ability to sense other people's feelings and alter them. He continued by saying, I think that that's what your superpower is Leah. You feel what other people feel and you will make the world a better place because of it. That's not something I can do. That's not something anyone I know can do like you. So that's your superpower. You'll be able to change the world because of that capability. It's going to be really fun to watch happen.

When I asked him why people would follow me when there are already so many people out there doing something similar and doing it better than me, he said, I like Spider-Man someone else might like Ironman. They're both superheroes, but they're both going about it in their own way. And they have their own story. And therefore they connect with people differently. You will be the same way. You toss your hat into the ring and you do it your way and people will follow along because it will resonate with them for their own personal reasons. You doing it your way, that's what's important. And he was right.

How many love songs can you name? What if there was never another love song written after the very first love song was written because it had already been done before? How many pizza places do you know, new pizza places don't just stop popping up because Pizza Hut exists. New pizza places open every day because people wanna try to make pizza their way. So even though I don't fully understand the world of podcasting, and I'm not certain how I want the podcast to look or what niche we will officially belong to. I know we're on episode eight and I promise I'm going to keep showing up here each week with or without a game plan. And we will just figure it out as we go along. There is something in the air though. It feels like we might be on the precipice of blooming in ways that we can't even predict. It feels like we might have the power to come together and change the inner dialogues we have with ourselves. And it feels like even though life can be hard, there is comfort and strength in knowing that we can rely on each other because that's what we do here. We root for each other along the way.

Outro: Thank you so much for tuning into this week's episode. Don't forget to head over to my website, to see the show notes from this week. My website is www.theleahideologypodcast.com. You can also connect with me on social media, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and Pinterest, and wherever you're listening to your podcasts, don't forget to rate, review, subscribe, and share the podcast with your friends. The more the merrier. I'm excited to be doing this with you. I'm excited to see you next week and until we get to meet up again, I hope you know that I am rooting for you. Bye guys.