7. Bananas, Brave Questions, and Birthdays

My son is turning 9-years-old and I honor his birthday by sharing past essays I've written about being his mom.  

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Transcript

Intro: Hi, I'm Leah. 3 of my strongest skills include writing, speaking and overthinking and over feeling literally everything in my life to a crazy nuanced degree. I've decided to use these traits to create a podcast where you and I will share this space to talk about life and what makes it so tough sometimes. No matter what age or stage of life you're in. Welcome to the Leah ideology podcast. I'm your host, Leah Wagner. I'm so glad you're here. 

Leah: Hello. Welcome to the Leah ideology podcast. Oh my gosh. I am so glad that you are here. If you have been tuning into the past episodes, or if you are a newcomer, I am just grateful that you are spending a little bit of time with me. This is a special episode and I'm really, really glad that you are going to be along for the ride.

So my son's birthday is tomorrow, July 28th. He is going to be 9 years old. I have thoughts about this you guys. I have all the thoughts. I have all the things to say about being a mom for almost 9 years. But first, how great are birthdays? Can we just take a second and talk about how much fun birthdays are? I've always been a fan of birthdays, especially my own. I am that girl. I don't take the whole month of October anymore, but I certainly do take the full week. And I take it to be lazy. I take it to just lay around and do absolutely not a damn thing. But anyway, I can remember when my brother and I were kids. 

I can remember when my parents needed to talk to us about anything going on within the family structure. They would call it a family meeting. Did you have a family meeting growing up? I had family meetings growing up. There were legal pads. Everybody had a seat in the living room and we all had to sit down and talk about this bulleted list that my parents had come up with about things that we had to talk about as a family. And I remember every time they would ask us, Leah is there anything that you would like to talk about or bring up that we should discuss as a family? And I would say, yes, my birthday is coming up. We should probably talk about it. And everybody was like, it's December. Your birthday is in October. And I would be like, correct. Yes, I don't hear the problem. 

So I'm one of those people. I love birthdays. My birthday is October 10th. So typically I start thinking about my birthday. I start getting excited about my birthday and start planning it around. Okay. My birthday is October 10th so probably about October 11th, each year. Birthdays are an incredibly important reason to celebrate in my opinion. I just believe that to my very core. You exist. You're here. You traveled around the sun one more time and you live to tell the tale. Birthdays in my world are for celebrating. And when Isaac was born, his dad and I had that exact conversation, we really wanted to come up with a structure for how the 3 of us were going to handle gift giving occasions, birthdays, Christmas. How were we going to do that? 

And we kind of settled on this basic setup. This basic structure. Christmas is forgiving to others. Birthdays are for celebrating and every day there's a chance to be thankful. And we've tried our very, very best to hold true to that. And today we are focused on birthdays because Isaac's birthday is tomorrow. So I wanna share with you some writings that I composed over the past 9 years about being Isaac's mom. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while or following me on social media, you've heard me say before that Isaac being born was really what reintroduced me to my love of writing. 

And it was a way for me to connect with other people around me, going through motherhood for the first time, to talk about how overwhelming and amazing and crazy and wild parenthood can really be. So I'm going into my 9th year of being a mom. So I thought that maybe today's episode, it would be a good time to go back through my Facebook posts, back through my blog posts and find some fun writings that you might enjoy. So we're going to start there.

I wrote this post in February of 2015. So Isaac was about one and a half, almost two years old. And I remember this very, very, very clearly. It was like it happened four seconds ago. It was a wild, wild situation, that's really I think, when I realized I truly have no idea how humans work, especially the small ones, the children of the group. I have no idea how they work. 

This story is the banana incident. And here we go. Earlier this evening, I offered Isaac a banana. He smiled and got super excited. So I peeled it for him, but it didn't appear quite ripe. So I took a small bite, a nibble, if you will, just to make sure it wasn't too unripe. As Isaac watched me take a bite of the banana, it was like in his mind time slowed down to a moment in a slow motion, horror film, his eyes got huge. And he reached his handout for the banana and yelled. Noooo.

After that, the biggest tantrum to ever hit the Wagner home took place. He threw the banana at me. He threw himself on the floor and flopped around like a fish out of water. He screamed at me for what felt like hours. He ripped his clothes off because that's obviously what you do when you really want someone to know you're mad at them. But as he was tearing off his clothes, like a wild animal, preying on its dinner, he was looking at me as if, to say, look at what you're making me do. This is why we can't have nice things, mom. 

He was screaming as though I was ripping his skin off, along with his clothes. The clothes that I wasn't even touching. He finally calmed down after he saw a piece of lint on his toe and got distracted. I'll say it again. So that has a chance to sink in. He finally calmed himself down after he saw a piece of lint on his own toe and got distracted. The rest of the evening was spent with me being terrified to move. And the very sound of his footsteps made me incredibly tense. I'm being held captive in my own home by a 25 pound naked human who absolutely positively under no circumstances wants you to taste test his food.

I remember writing this next blog post. It was in February of 2020. We were going to a family friend's house to watch the super bowl that year. It was 2020 so it was about two years ago. I wanna say he was probably about 6, right? And this is the conversation that took place when Isaac saw the John Legend and Chrissy Tegan commercial, and what took place after we saw that commercial. 

With special thanks to Chrissy Tegan, John legend, and my dad, my 6 year old has a new word in his vocabulary. Along with most of the country, we watched the Superbowl this past Sunday. Family, friends who are really more like friends that are family, had a get together at their house. And so we went over there to cheer on the chiefs, overeat and vote on our favorite commercials. 

As we were sitting there munching on the smorgasboard of snacks. Isaac was building with Legos and the game cut to a commercial break. After the Jason Mamoa commercial, which was actually pretty funny. And the shining commercial, which was very much less funny. Chrissy Tegan and John Legend were featured in a car commercial, talking about old luxury and new luxury. At the end of the commercial, Mr. Legend is driving the new car in the driveway of a huge mansion. And Miss Tegan is wanting to get in the car, but has to say the magic phrase first, sexiest man alive. 

Did I find the commercial funny? Not really, but without that setup, this gem of a conversation wouldn't have taken place. Without looking up from his intense Lego building. Isaac said, did she just say sexiest man alive? To which we all hesitantly responded, yes. So obviously the next question from a curious 6 year old mind is what does sexiest mean? And the crowd fell silent. All of a sudden, my dad, the patriarch and authority figure of the family confidently and boldly responded to Isaac saying happiest. Sexiest means happiest. Happiest? Isaac asked. Half inquisitively and half feeding off the facial expressions of the rest of us in the room, giving the impression that maybe that answer wasn't quite right. And my dad curtly replied. Yep. Happiest. I had to hear my son say the word sexiest about 5 more times. And then by the grace of God, the subject was changed. 

A couple of days ago, Isaac got his haircut. It wasn't just any haircut. It was the first haircut where he could choose the kind of cut he wanted. He had a very specific style in mind and he described it to the barber with as much detail as he could. She said she understood. And she took out the razor and went to town. I watched her work, like I was watching Michael Angelo carve marble or watching DaVinci paint the Mona Lisa, not because I cared what his hair looked like, but because I knew that if his new cut didn't look exactly what he had pictured in his head, I would need to mentally prepare for the overly dramatic bag over the head tantrum that would surely take place. 

So without blinking and sweating slightly, I watched Isaac's appointment unfold and prayed for its success and a success it was. The reason that Isaac loves this haircut so much is because he can flip his hair from one side to the other. That's the style now. Granted, the hairstyle is still new. So he's not quite at Rico Suave status with the flipping, but he's obsessed with the possibility of flipping his hair. So he's a hair flipper in practice. This morning during the car ride to school, Isaac was practicing his hair toss. And I was pretending not to watch him, when out of the blue he said, mom, this haircut makes me sexy. It took me by surprise. And I perked up and said, I'm sorry, bud. What? And he repeated himself. This haircut makes me really sexy.

It was early in the morning. I was barely conscious enough to drive him to school, let alone process a statement like that. So I came out with a smart aleck response, honey, if someone told you that you're sexy, you need to tell me who that person is so that I can call the police, okay. And Isaac replied, well, that's what Pap said. He said that sexy means happy. And my haircut makes me super happy. So it must also make me sexy. Now, maybe I should have been impressed that my 6 year old retained the vocabulary lesson that he had learned the night before and could apply it to the transitive property of equality before 8:00 AM on a Monday morning. But instead my head exploded and I responded with, yeah, bud, okay this sexy talk. This is home talk. Not necessarily school talk. Okay. Bummed out, Isaac said, oh mom, why, are you not very sexy right now?

I looked down at my stained t-shirt. I ran my tongue across my unrushed teeth and blew the random hairs that were falling out of my ponytail away from my face, looked at myself in the rear view mirror and thought, Leah, you are a badass woman who is sexy as hell, no matter how it's defined. And then I looked back at Isaac who was still as confused as a dog, looking for a stick that was never thrown in the first place and said, I love you, bud. And I hope today is the best hair flipping day, ever. To which he wearily responded, I don't feel like everyone is telling me the truth right now, but I'm going to let it go because my hair looks so good. Deal. We shook on it. We hugged it out. And Isaac got out of the car to go to school with a fresh new cut. And undoubtedly will be using his newly learned vocabulary word.

You guys, that hair flipping kid is going to be 9 tomorrow, 9. I checked with the doctors, they said it's normal. They said that growing up in a chronological way, getting older each year and taller, he said that was totally normal. So yeah, I feel like this age of going from third grade to fourth grade, turning from 8 to 9 seems very big. It seems like a huge, huge deal. His attitude and his independence are fierce and his need to fit in with his peers. Absolutely terrifies me. And if I'm being very honest, I have no idea how to raise a child period, let alone raise a child in today's day and age, it's overwhelming. It's intimidating. And I've been very honest in previous episodes. And I will continue to say again and again that I have no answers, no right answers anyway, on how parenthood should be. 

But I'm going into my ninth year of being Isaac's mom. And I can tell you what my most favorite thing is about being his mom. I get to learn and discover and celebrate who Isaac is. This picture is starting to form of someone who I'm really starting to like, I mean, I'm his mom. I love him, deeply. I don't like him all the time. Oh my God, no. But in this past year, this eighth trip around the sun, it allowed me to see even more clearly the person that he is becoming and you guys I'm getting really excited. I know he's only turning nine tomorrow, but the day isn't too far down the road where I turn him over to you, society the world. 

And after getting to know Isaac this past year, after getting to know how he relates to laughter, not just seeing what he laughs at and seeing how his sense of humor is developing, but also getting to see that he uses laughter to bond with his friends. Getting to learn how he pays attention to the world, how he pays attention very deeply to facial expressions and how he pays attention to the feelings and the energies in a room. Getting to know better what hurts his feelings, what his sensitivities are and how he handles conflict and uncomfortableness. 

It's fascinating to me to see how he sees the world and getting to know the person who he is becoming. And here's the thing. Here's the kicker. Remember how important it is for me, for you to know that I'm rooting for you. And remember in episode two, how we talked about what I really, really truly mean when I say that, if not, or even if you did. I challenge you to go back to episode, number two. You can fast forward it to minute nine, second, six, nine minutes, six seconds. Start listening right there. And this time when you listen to it, think about it in regards to your kids. If we're rooting for each other, shouldn't that also apply to our kids? Of all the people in this entire freaking world shouldn't we be rooting for our kids? 

But here's the thing. There is going to be a point, if it hasn't happened already, where Isaac is going to see the world differently than me. He is going to have a point of view that's different from mine based on the life experience that he has had. And this is where the rubber meets the road. This is where we put the I'm rooting for you battle cry into motion. This is the moment that other moments will be built upon. How we react when our kids process the world differently than us will determine the tone, the frequency and the probability of our kids coming to talk to us about things in the future. Our kids seeing the world differently than us can be a blessing, if we let it be. 

Growing up is so hard for kids and for the parents, we have to stretch ourselves in ways we didn't even know we were stretchable. And then just when we feel like we might be getting the hang of something, the unthinkable happens, our kids keep growing up. And before you know it, you're finishing up year eight entering into year nine. And you're back at square one, not knowing the best ways to raise a nine year old. But here's the good news. Here's the good news the way I see it. I don't have to raise nine year olds. I have to raise Isaac and he happens to be nine. He's never been nine years old before. So I've never been a mom to a nine year old Isaac before. So we're both in unfamiliar water. 

In times like this, I tend to overthink. Overthinking is one of my strongest skills you guys, I do it oh, so, well. What's the best way to handle my kid getting older? Isn't there a checklist I can look at? Something I can make sure that I know that I'm on track. What's the best way to handle us seeing things differently? What's the best way to navigate through so many unknown things? It turns out I may have stumbled across an answer of sorts back in 2018. This is a post that I wrote in April and it gives you a bit more insight to my relationship with Isaac.

I wrote this blog post in April of 2018. I classify myself as a never wannabe mom. When I was growing up playing house and holding babies were never things that I dreamed about. I actually can't think of anything specifically that I had a burning passion for, but I know parenthood and mom-ing weren't even on the list, let alone hold up a top 10 spot. Fast forward to the year 2020. And I can attest to Mr. Lennon's claim that life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. My son will turn seven years old this summer. 

Isaac for the most part is a pretty good kid. I know I'm biased, but I have to tell myself that because the five year warranty is up, so returns and give backsies are null and void at this point. He enjoys karate. He lives off of Mac and cheese and chocolate milk, and he has a face sweet enough to convince any normal civilian that maybe he doesn't actually have a feisty temper with a wild hot sight of attitude. Isaac and I are learning that while we don't necessarily see eye to eye on certain things, like how loud an indoor voice should be or how many days is too many days to wear the same pair of underwear. We do see eye to eye on things like air conditioning is one of the greatest inventions ever, singing loudly in the car cures almost any bad day. And as far as activities go cuddling isn't one of our most favorite things. 

Yeah, you read that correctly. Cuddling, the act of contorting your oddly shaped body complete with limbs and hair and heavy breathing against somebody else's oddly shaped body, with their limbs and hair and heavy breathing. That is exactly the kind of activity to which Isaac and Leah say, no thank you. We're all about the high fives. We'll give you a fist bump any day. We'll tossel your hair and give you an attaboy any day of the week.  We love a secret handshake or even a wink. We've even been known to blow a kiss at each other a time or two, but cuddling, eh, even when Isaac is homesick from school, he'll say, mom, let's snuggle on the couch. You sit on that side and I'll sit on this side.

You may be wondering Leah, if you guys don't cuddle, are you sure Isaac knows that you love him? To which I always respond. Oh friend,  he knows. He absolutely knows. We have the most epic I love you battles, known to parents and children. I'll explain. It all started a few years ago when we began in an oculus game of who can say I love you first in the morning. Isaac would burst into my room and yell, good morning mom I love you. Or I would walk into his room and shout Isaac time to get up I love you. This escalated to saying it to each other throughout the day. It was almost like a safety call. 

We would be in different rooms of the house and I would hear mom I love you. And I would respond back, I love you too, bud. The subtext of that conversation was mom, where are you? Are you around? And my response provided the comfort of yep, bud I'm here, No need to worry. We were saying I love yous back and forth so many times I lost count. It was easily over 100 times a day. Regardless of where we were or who we were around, this call response was a constant in our daily lives. This then escalated to the ever popular battle of, I love you more. Every once in a while, we would even attach numerical figures to our claims. Hey mom, I love you 10 gazillion thousand times two. Oh man, bud. Well, I love you 10 gazillion 100 times 3. Darn it. 

This evening. The battle finally came to an end. The final gauntlet was thrown. Isaac claimed his victory and I was speechless. Mom I love you so much I could cry Isaac I love you so much I would eat an earthworm. Ew, mom. I love you so much that I'm never going to stop eating mac and cheese. Okay, bud that's not fair. That's not even like kind of fair, but I love you so much that I'm not going to shower for a month. We both giggled. And then he hit me with mom I love you the way you love me. My laughter died down and it made me curious. I didn't quite know what that meant. And I didn't know if we should celebrate the compliment or be scared of what he was going to say next. 

My eyes looked at his face and he was still giggling. And I asked, what do you mean that you love me like I love you? And without even pausing, he said, because you love me all the time no matter what. And that's how I love you. I classify myself as a never wannabe mom. When I was growing up playing house and holding babies were never things I dreamed about. Fast forward to tonight, sitting at home with my six year old, who just taught me everything I need to know about what love is. 

Just like every mom. I question my parenting choices every 0.3 seconds. Am I doing the right things? Am I saying the right things? Parenthood is full of the most uncertain uncertainties and truth be told we're all just trying to make it until bedtime. Am I right? But then out of the blue, these little moments happen when your kid expresses his love for you in the sweetest and most perfect way. But I also had a wave of peace and calm wash over me, assuring me that Isaac does truly know what love is. So amidst the uncertainties and the indecisions and moments of self-doubt that parenthood brings me on a daily basis. It's little moments like this that let me know that I must be doing something right.

This six year old, who once freaked out about me eating his banana, but calmed himself down with his own toe lint. This kid who learned the word sexy from his Pap and John legend. This kid will be nine years old tomorrow. And I have no idea what this ninth year will bring us. I have no idea what this year has in store for us, but at the core of it all, at the foundation, at the base, at the guts of it all, I feel like my only way to combat this wild world that my kid is growing up in. The only thing that I can do to help ensure that he's okay down the line, is to make sure that Isaac knows that I love him all the time no matter what. 

No matter what the world throws at him, he has a safe place to land. He is safe here. He is loved all the time, no matter what. This is the energy he and I are bringing into our ninth year together. This is the vibe we are going to give each other when the world gets really, really scary. This is the wish that I would make for him if I was the one allowed to blow out the candles on top of the cake.

Isaac, my dude, welcome to year number nine. Gosh, I have so, so many wishes for you. And if I listed them here, we would be sitting here for hours. But I did write down several of my wishes. And as I read over them, I realized that at the core, there was one common thread, one common denominator. One thing that was very clearly the theme of all of my wishes for you. I absolutely love watching you become you. I love it. And because I love it so much. I don't want to do anything to mess it up. But I'm hyper critical of myself and have extremely low self confidence when it comes to basically anything anymore. So if it feels like I'm freaking out about everything, just know you're absolutely right 100%, I am and I'm working on it, I promise. 

The only thing I know for sure, that underneath all the fear and uncertainty, Isaac, I love you. I love you without any conditions. So I love you unconditionally. That's all I can offer you, all the time. No matter what life throws at us, no matter what we have to walk through together, we'll do it just like that, together. That's my wish for you that you know that you'll never have to walk alone. That you'll always be part of my together. There isn't anything that could happen that would make me love you less. You receive my love free of cost. That's what I'm promising. And that's my wish for you on this birthday. And for every birthday, bud, for you to know how loved you are all the time, no matter what.

Outro: I am so grateful that you chose to tune into this week's episode. Thank you so so much for being here. I hope that you found that it was time well spent, and I hope that wherever you are listening to the podcast that you are sure to like and subscribe and follow and share and whatever you can do to a podcast I hope that you are doing it to ours. I love hearing from you. So don't forget to write to me or find me on social media. And until next week when we drop a new episode on Wednesday, I hope that you know, from now until then and forever and ever, friend, I am rooting for you. I'll see you next week.