Hi, I'm Leah. Three of my strongest skills include writing, speaking, and overthinking and overfeeling, literally everything in my life to a crazy, nuanced degree. I've decided to use these traits to create a podcast, where you and I will share this space to talk about life. And what makes it so tough sometimes, no matter what age or stage of life you're in. Welcome to The Leah ideology Podcast. I'm your host, Leah Wagner. I'm so glad you're here.
Hello, hello. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm so glad that you're here at least I hope you're coming back. That's like the ultimate goal, right, to have you listen to an episode and then intentionally join me again, right? I hope that that's the case and I will try my very best to do you proud. Or if this is your first episode with us, if this is the first time hanging out with me, I hope that you find it to be a welcome space and I hope that you intentionally return to, to hang out with us again. So I'm so glad that you're here. And I'm so glad that you're listening.
Recording this podcast is an adventure every single week, okay, like it is. Do you remember last week I was sitting in closets, right? I had to find the right audio sound. And the beautiful studio that I had set up in my in my house did not have very good audio. So I found myself sitting in my closet. And I found myself sitting in my boyfriend's closet. Like covered in clothes. And I'm not talking about walk in closets y'all like we don't have it like that. I'm talking about like, little tiny closets with like suit sleeves and khaki pants hanging in front of my face. But it made for decent audio, so I stuck with it. So each week I'm getting a little bit better with where I want to put things and where things sound better, and I'm working and I'm adjusting and I'm I'm trying to do that each week, right? So this week, I get all set up. And I'm totally ready. And I think I have an idea about what it wants to sound like and yada yada yada. This week's challenge is...
...the cats. As in the animal, not the musical, although I can see why you went there because that can be--anyway that's that's a whole other episode for Broadway lovers in and of itself. I'm talking about actual cats, I have two cats. James has two cats. So no matter where I am, I have a feline friend right beside me. And no matter where I am, at my house or at James's house, we each have a cat who is clingy AF just like, there are stage five clingers, these cats are like stage 86 clingers, okay? They must be with you. They must. Or they might die if they if they're not sitting on our lap. If they're not touching us in some way. They lose oxygen somehow and they might just fall over. Today, if you happen to hear screaming. If you happen to hear screaming in the background of this recording, I promise you no one is torturing any animal. The only thing that I am asking these cats to do right now is to sit on the other side of the door from where I'm recording. That's it, you might think that their skin is actually being ripped off or something because of the noises that are coming out. But I can promise you that the only thing being asked to them right now is to sit on the other side of the door. There's so dramatic.
So on today's episode, I want to talk about conversations. Okay, not so much about proper manners and proper protocol and the preciseness and fanciness of conversations more like as it relates to the year 2022. Because having conversations today looks a lot different than it did in the 90s in the 70s in the 60s. And as it relates to raising kids. Okay. I feel like with the introduction of the smartphone and social media and so much technology, that we may be losing the art of how to even have a conversation, which I would totally and completely get. It's easy to not even consider that because it feels like we are engaged in conversation all the time. But I'd actually like to beg to differ here. I believe that we're not actually engaged in conversation all the time. However, we are surrounded by noise noise all the time. There's noise, everywhere, right? Whether we're hearing it through our ears, whether we're seeing it through our phones or through a screen, whether we're feeling it through our nervous systems, noise is around us all the time. So much so that I would bet like I would actually place money, that there are many of us that wouldn't be comfortable or wouldn't even be able to tolerate sitting in actual silence If given the opportunity. That is a podcast for another day.
Having conversation with Isaac has always been important to me, but connecting on this kind of level goes even further back than Isaac. It goes back to my cousin's being born. I have a super small family. I have two parents, two aunts, two uncles, two cousins, one brother, one kid, his dad and a partridge in a pear tree like we don't, there's not a lot of extended family. Like I said, I only have two cousins. Shawn is 31 years old. So there is an eight year age difference between us and his sister Laura is going to be 29 in October, and I'm going to be 39 in October. So there's a 10 year age difference between us. And I remember very, very clearly, the day that Laura was born. I remember thinking a lot of things like my mind was racing with thoughts but I remember only feeling two things, extreme excitement, and pure, unbridled joy.
I remember thinking how cool it was that she and I are going to share a birthday month and we will then share a birthday month like forever like your birthday doesn't change. So we are forever October babies and we can celebrate together forever. Hers is on the second mine is on the 10th October for ever will now be known as Leah Laura month. I remember thinking how exciting it is that Sean is going to be a big brother and I am a big sister. So we'll be able to commiserate about our younger siblings and that that would be a bond that he and I will be able to share forever. I was so excited. I felt like a pool ball bouncing off the walls and rolling over the felt like after like a crisp and powerful break on the pool ball table. I felt like I was smiling so much that you could literally hook the edges of my mouth around my ears like a mask. That's how much I felt like I was smiling.
But then I went to go see Laura laying in the baby room like in the nursery area where all the other babies were laying. I looked at her through the glasses she laid in her little bed just a little tic tac have a human lined up with the other little tic tac humans, swaddled in blankets and making funny faces trying to figure out why everything was so damn bright and so loud all of a sudden. And as I stared at Laura, this overwhelming feeling fell over me it wasn't scary. It wasn't bad. It wasn't sad was so overwhelming that I can remember it clear as day today. 29 years later.
I remember thinking to myself, Leah, you're 10 years old. And Laura is zero years old. When you're 16. Laura is going to be 6. And you're going to be the coolest person in the world to hang out with. That's awesome. Oh my gosh, you guys, I wanted that. I wanted to be the coolest person in their lives. I wanted to be an active player in their lives so that when they were adults, and they would think back on their childhood, that my name was a name that would come up with being consistent with being there for them. I wanted to be in the memories. I wanted to be a comfortable and a safe person for them. Right from the very beginning. So it wasn't so much about questioning if I could do that for them. It was how could I do that for them? How do I be sure that I'm connecting with them when there's a fairly steep age difference between us to let them know that I am someone who was like super important in their lives? Right?
Okay, here's what I settled on. I decided I'm going to use the knowledge that I obviously already have by living longer than them and I'm going to teach them how to do everything the right way. I will tell them how to do life. I will clear every rock in their path. I will fill every hole before they fall. I will tell them exactly believe what they need to do to handle all the scary stuff because I have obviously done a scary thing or two before in my life. And so I'm basically an expert, I will tell them how to do life and it'll be perfect for them. Okay, long story short, it turns out, here's what I learned. Okay? People like in general, like no matter what age they are, it could be people of a young age or an old age, I would even dare to say that people regardless of any characteristic age, hair color, eye color, height, weight, gender, skin, color, education, level, nationality, whatever, you guys, it turns out, people generally don't like being told what to do.
Lesson learned, lesson learned. So I changed my approach. I changed how I communicate with them. Instead of telling, and bossing and lecturing, and trying to disguise that as leadership and mature madness, I decided to simply be there. For them. Maybe they didn't want anyone to fix their problem, maybe they just wanted someone to sit there and exist with them. Maybe they didn't need any input from me. Maybe they are capable of discovering all the answers on their own. Maybe I can just be the safety net. And if they fall, I'm there for the catch. I tried this. I tried this on and I liked it. It felt right. It felt like that puzzle piece connected inside of me. It felt like I was loving them just the right amount enough for them to know that I'm there when they need me, but not in a controlling and over protective way that could potentially communicate to them that I don't trust them. When they talked, I listened. And when it was a big deal for them, it was a big deal to me, if they were sad, I was sad. I didn't try to fix anything. I just let them know that what they were feeling was valid, and that I am along for the ride.
We're all adults. Now. The Circle of Life continues. Shawn and I each have a son. And the family keeps getting bigger as families tend to do. And there's times when I'm with Isaac. And I remember what it was like trying to bond with little Sean and little Laura. I'm much older now I'm more open to learning than I was when I was a kid, thank God. But I know this for sure. I am diving right in with the conversations. Words are powerful. And when we use them in the right ways they can start conversations. And when we start conversations, that's when connection happens. That's where the peanut butter meets the jelly. That's where the spark starts. And that's where we get the momentum for good things to happen.
This is a post I made two days after the Las Vegas shooting where 58 people were killed on October 1 2017. Isaac would have been four years old. He saw the story on the news. And he asked me what happened. And I wrote about it on Facebook later that week:
"Like everyone else, I've been struggling to wrap my head around what happened in Las Vegas. And like everyone else, I can't find the right words or the right thing to say. Isaac is four years old, and he's inquisitive. Kids that age don't miss a beat. And oftentimes, his sense of wonder and curiosity are qualities that I envy. But when he asked about what happened in Las Vegas, I had to take a moment to gather my thoughts and decide how to tell a four year old that this kind of hate is living and present in the world that he's growing up in. How honest should I be? How protective? Should I be? Do I even try to explain it or do I just sweep it under the rug? Like it didn't even happen? He's four. after all. I don't know if there's a right or a wrong answer. But this is the conversation that Isaac and I shared. Last night a man decided he wanted to hurt a lot of people. And so he did. Why? I don't know sweetheart. But I imagine it's because there was a lot of hate. in his heart. But mom, your heart is for love. Yeah, but it is. But sometimes people choose hate instead of love. Well, that's not very nice. Is he a monster, I think he's a monster. In all the books I read to Isaac, the monster always loses. And the good always prevails. I realized that's not realistic. But Isaac deserves to live in a childhood fantasy a little bit longer. And as his mom, it's my responsibility to make sure we have the weapons to battle against the monsters that will come our way. So today, and for the foreseeable future, our weapon of choice is to live. We choose to live, we choose to extend love, and to lead with love. And we are going to intentionally choose to keep laughing. We need to remind the monsters that love can persevere over hate, we need to remind the monsters of what Mark Twain said, quote, the human race has one really effective weapon. And that is laughter and quote, and we need to choose to live. Because there is a generation of kids who are depending on us, and watching what weapons we choose to go to battle with. Choose to live and choose to lead with love. Choose to not let the bad guys win, we have that superpower. And now is the time to use it."
The point I'm trying to make is that having conversations with our kids, no matter what the topic, and no matter how uncomfortable it makes us, the parents, I would venture to guess that there are quite a few conversations that we don't have with our kids simply because they make us uncomfortable. This is where we can start to introduce a total game changer and something that we can teach our kids through having conversations with them. It's the concept of empathy. You guys, my parents should have named me empathy. This is literally the only way I look at the world. This is the main thing I feel all the time if you're familiar with the Enneagram scale, which we will definitely have episodes about later in the future because I find it fascinating. But I am a hard nine, hard nine, I'm not a five plus four on a plus one. I am a hard nine on that Enneagram scale. I am the peacemaker I am an empathetic mofo. Empathy is where I live.
So I would absolutely characterize myself as an empathetic parent, mainly because I'm an empathetic person, and I have no idea how else to be. So I absolutely raised my kid heavy on the empathy. And I continue to try to implement that through the conversations that I have with him, which I learned through the conversations that I've had with Sean and Laura. And over the years, I've realized that when you lead with empathy, when you go into conversations with that mindset, it can make hard conversations a little bit easier to maneuver. In this day and age, when our kids have access to the world like they do when they are seeing things and hearing things that you and I didn't learn until we were twice their age. I've spoken to a bunch of parents who say the same things that I do, we don't know how to do it. It is such a crazy world. It's such a scary time. How do I protect my kids? And I need to be very clear. I don't have any answers. In fact, I had precisely zero answers, but I can share with you what my thoughts are and how my mind works and you can take from it what might be helpful for you.
When it comes to topics of conversations that Isaac brings to me. Mom, what is this? Mom? What does this mean? Mom, I saw this what happened? Things that are hard things that are difficult. I do my very best to remain calm and sit down with him and have a conversation about it. No lectures, no freaking out. No judgment. Just listening to his questions and respond to thing, because here's the thing you guys today with access to the world like they have, if I don't talk to him about the uncomfortable and scary things, someone else, most definitely will. And I won't be able to have a say in the language or the tone, or the thought process of that conversation. The world is not sensitive to the fact that I am trying to raise a good human. And we are only on year eight. The world will talk to him about hard things and tough things. The world is not sensitive to my child. And as much as I'd love to change the world for my kid and our work to do that in every possible way that I can. I also need answers. Right now. He's eight years old right now. We are in the thick of it. Right now. He's in the world right now. So this is what I say to myself, in my head:
"Isaac, no matter what you hear, or see, or feel or experience, I am here to talk about it with you. I am here to have a conversation with you, not at you. I am so grateful. You came to talk to me. I'm going to do my best to listen and respond in a way that will increase the chances of you wanting to come and talk to me again."
I have a friend who is recently travelling through Europe, and she posted this quote that she saw spray painted on a wall and I thought it was perfect. "The planet doesn't need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers. Healers restores, storytellers, and lovers of all kinds." And it's my belief that this can all start with the power of having a conversation with each other, and most especially with our kids.
To wrap up this episode, I thought that I will share one more Facebook post. I wrote this back in 2016 when Isaac was two years old. It was a conversation that he and I shared before bedtime, and I thought that it was appropriate to share with you this week on this episode:
"Two year olds man, I've never been the type of mother to wish time backwards so that I can have my little baby again or ask time to slow down because Isaac is growing up too fast. Each stage thus far has brought its own ups and downs and I'm trying my best to appreciate Isaac where he is in the here and now. That two year olds, Wolf, gone are the days of cuddling on my lap to go to sleep. He hardly even fits on my lap anymore. We've entered the no spin zone of timeouts, meltdowns and temper tantrums and fierce independence. As a parent, you battle these elements every day, all the while trying to plant seeds of good manners, good habits, good morals. How do you ever truly know if your efforts are sinking into that stubborn, single minded, always curious little brain? Tonight I was putting Isaac to bed we were reading books as we always do. And in the middle of if you give a moose a muffin, Isaac turned to me and said, My sorry, Mommy. I stopped. I looked at him. And I asked Why are you sorry, honey? To which he responded, might not listen to mommy. And he was right. We had had a rough day of not following directions and being incredibly defiant. But the apology offered was unprompted and out of the blue. So I closed the book and I put it down and I asked Isaac to look at me. I thanked him for apologizing to me. And explain to him why it's important to be a good listener. We then set our I love us and we hugged it out. As he was nestling back down to hear the rest of the story he reached out to my face. He shoved his finger up my nose and picked it and then proceeded to put my own booger on my shirt. Two year olds man. You're always warned about the terrible twos. We are halfway through this phase and just like Any phase there are ups and downs. When it's bad, it can be pretty bad. But when it's good, it can be pretty good. And those are the moments you live for. There are little things that Isaac does each day that remind me that I haven't completely derailed this whole motherhood gig. And when those moments happen, it's important to stop and appreciate where you are in the here and now because before you know it, your shirt will be covered in your own boogers because your kid picked your nose and wiped your snot all over you. That night, Isaac fell asleep on my lap. It was the first time that had happened in months. I held him for as long as I could, and as tightly as I could. I took time to be thankful for him and appreciate the quiet moment, since I had no idea when the next quiet moment would come around again. And then, as I laid him down in his bed, and gently placed a kiss on his forehead. I made sure my booger infested sleeve rubbed against his back transferring any and all boogers off of me and onto him. You're not the only one with tricks, little boy..."
Thank you so much for joining this week and tuning into the episode. Don't forget to check out my website www.theleahideologypodcast.com Send me an email find me on socials. I can't wait to hear what you think about the episode. And until we meet each other here again, whatever you are going through this week, I want you to know I hope that you know that I am rooting for you. Thanks so much for being here. We'll see you next week.