[00:00:00] Welcome to The Leah Ideology Podcast, where you get to hear all the conversations that take place inside my head. I'll share all the private thoughts that occupy the space inside my mind through letters I write to those around me. I'm your host, Leah Wagner. I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:30] Welcome back to The Leah Ideology Podcast. This is going to be a fun episode, let's do it - let's talk about parenthood. This is one of the most popular topics that I am asked to talk about, whether it be on TikTok or Facebook and so I wanted to just make sure that it was part of the podcast launch trilogy of episodes.
[00:00:53] More importantly, I know that this is a topic that I am asked to talk about on social media, but more importantly, becoming a mom, taking on that role of being a mom, is the reason that I got reacquainted with my love of writing. Interestingly enough, I've spent the majority of my life denying that I'm actually a creative person.
[00:01:17] Believe it or not, I actually went through the majority of my life thinking that I was the smart one in the family, which is so, so crazy if you actually knew me in person! I mean, okay listen, I got a 960 on my SATs. Okay. But I then took them again and I got a 910. So, yeah, smart one of the family.
[00:01:45] Also, there was that one time that my mom gave me this spatula for Christmas. Okay. I can see it so clearly I actually think that I still have it out in my kitchen, in my little tool turnabout thing, but it was this orange spatula, right? Like the paddle part was orange and it had, like, a wooden handle and it said “desserts” on the orange part, like on the orange paddle part.
[00:02:08] And along with the word “desserts,” it had some sweet image that represented desserts, like icing or cookies or something like that. Okay. Here's the thing, because that spatula said desserts, I didn't use that spatula for anything other than cooking desserts, not a casserole, not a dip, not a nothing if it wasn't a dessert, and here's part two of that, I hate making desserts.
[00:02:45] Like, it's something that I absolutely cannot do. Like, I am not good at baking. That's not something that is in my wheelhouse of things that, like, I should be doing with my life. I made cake balls one time. Do you guys remember when cake balls were really big? Like when they first hit the scene? I made a huge batch of cake balls and they ended up being as big as softballs.
[00:03:06] I'm not even kidding. Like, my uncle who loves sweets, took a big bite of these cake balls because he felt bad for me, I think, I think it was just a pity bite, but he took a bite and instantly diabetes. Instant. His teeth fell out, diabetes instantly. So yeah, I think it's pretty obvious to everyone why I clearly saw myself as the smart one in the family.
[00:03:30] I was absolutely sure that I was not a creative person and here's my proof. Number one, Popsicle stick art annoys me - as does macaroni picture frames. I said what I said. But in my mind, these are the kinds of things that creative people did, like artsy craftsy kind of stuff. And that wasn't me. Okay, sure. I have been fascinated with music and I'm an accomplished flute player, whatever.
[00:03:57] Yeah, I can throw a party and be mindful of every single detail needed to make sure that that get together reaches peak perfection. So I spent a few months making huge Dahlia flowers out of old cookbooks because I saw a thing on Pinterest and I wanted to try it. But you guys, that doesn't mean that I'm a “creative.”
[00:04:14] Okay. I am gonna stand by the fact that I'm the smart one in my family. Okay. So we are in 2013, like that's where I am in my life and I'm just hanging out, doing my thing, being the super smart one in my family, cuz that's how I do it, and I find out that I'm pregnant. Isaac was born in July of 2013 and thus begins one of the loneliest seasons of my life.
[00:04:50] Okay. Here's the thing from the moment people find out that you are having a baby. They assume that you are over the moon happy, that this is the single greatest, most wonderful miraculous thing that could ever happen, and that life cannot possibly be any better because you are bringing a life into the world and your body is now a temple to create that life,
[00:05:16] and you should feel nothing but gratitude and happiness…it's a baaaaaaaby! But, that wasn't how I felt at all. I felt panicked. I felt so freaked out that I actually considered running away. Like, I had a plan and everything. When I found out that I was pregnant and that I was going to be a mom and that this is now the path that my life was going to take,
[00:05:52] I thought that my life was over, but those aren't things that we’re supposed to say out loud, right? And honestly, until recently, I didn't even know that these things were even okay to FEEL, let alone SAY out loud - like, for people to hear. I felt like I was expected to be excited and grateful. And so that's what I showed on the outside.
[00:06:20] The problem comes, of course, when your insides don't match your outsides and you need some kind of outlet. And for reasons I can't explain, my outlet was writing posts on Facebook. I guess there's worse outlets, but this was mine. I would write posts about the struggles that I was having, the emotions that I was having, but I added some humor to it.
[00:06:46] And I realized that that was the ticket. As long as I could just add a few jokes in and make people giggle every once in a while. I could talk about the real stuff I was experiencing without too much judgment. Over time, the posts would grow in popularity and my confidence would grow smidge by smidge with people liking what I was having to say, and I felt more comfortable lessening
[00:07:18] on the humor, and focusing more on the real, like focusing more on the things that I really wanted to talk about and I felt like I could maybe break down the barrier of the humor wall. I want to read to you one of the posts that I made in 2015. And if someone were to come up to me and say, “Hey, Leah. I'm having my first baby.
[00:07:44] Do you have any advice?” If someone were to come up to me and say that, this is what I would say to them.
[00:07:58] I wrote this post on January 16th, 2015, when I was an 18 month old mom: “Over the next few months, I have friends and colleagues who will be having their first child. And when asked for my advice, it's always the same. My greatest fear in becoming a mom is that it would consume me. I don't wanna talk about my kid all the time.
[00:08:22] I don't wanna have to give up my sense of humor. I don't want to lose me just because I have a kid. I know that sounds selfish and yes, I'm a mom, but I'm also a wife, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a friend, a colleague. And in my opinion, one of these relationships isn't more important than the other. But, whether you want it to or not, it does consume you.
[00:08:50] Life is completely different once you become a parent. You have to work 10 times harder at your other relationships because you now have this child, this new roommate who demands all of your time, money, energy, attention, all of it. I love Isaac. He brings more love and laughter to my life that I didn't even know that I had room for.
[00:09:16] I always love Isaac. He's my son. But, do I always love being a mom? Do I love being a parent all the time? No way. Not even close. He's one and a half years old right now. So he's about 80% lovable and fun and about 20% just a plain jerk. There are times when I just wanna gobble him up because he's so adorable and so cute.
[00:09:46] And there's other times I want to throw him through the nearest window because my patience is gone and my frustration is at its highest point. Parenting is a wild adventure. And so since you asked for my advice, Here's my 2 cents:
[00:10:10] Number one, remember that every mother out there, regardless of what she wants you to think, is faking her way through every day, just like you are. None of us know what we are doing. We're just doing what we think is best and hoping that it works. Parenthood is one gigantic guessing game, but try to trust that no one knows your kid better than you.
[00:10:44] Number two, you're allowed to hate it. You're allowed to be frustrated. You're allowed to want to run away and cry and eat cheeseburgers and fast food and cookies and cakes in your car in an ugly way. You're allowed to do that. You're allowed to miss the life you had before your kid was born. You are human.
[00:11:11] And as much as the internet articles would like you to believe it, you're actually not a superhero. You're a human with human feelings and you are not a bad mom to think and feel these things and anybody who makes you feel otherwise shame on them. Number three, finally, whatever you do, do everything in your power to remember that you
[00:11:46] are the greatest mom your kid has ever had on days when you feel completely defeated by the whole world. Remember that you are the whole world to your kid. You are capable of calming fears, drying, tears, and everything in between. Not everything is an emergency and the sky is not falling, Chicken Little.
[00:12:16] You do love in the very best way you know how, and everything else is just details.”
[00:12:33] After I posted this to Facebook, I remember being very, very nervous about what people would say. I didn't know how it was going to be received. I felt like it was a little bit rebellious. It wasn't the standard parental advice, right. It wasn't, “Enjoy every moment.” It wasn't, “Children are blessings from heaven.”
[00:12:56] It wasn't, “He's so sweet. You should be so grateful, you know, you're so lucky!” I didn't offer that kind of advice to anybody because that wasn't advice that was helpful to me. What was helpful to me was somebody getting down to my level and meeting me where I was, someone telling me, “Hey, you know what? Yes, this sucks
[00:13:19] sometimes.” You don't have to tell me that you love your kid, I know you do. And it's also okay to not like them all the time. You don't have to tell me all the things that you do to keep your household running. I know you are doing them. I also know you're underappreciated for them. I also know that you are desperate for a moment to yourself that you would rather cry in the bathroom or sit in your car or sit in your closet
[00:14:00] without the world looking at you so that you could have a moment to yourself. And even when you get that moment to yourself, you probably need the release of a good cry. I am here to tell you that you are doing a fantastic job, and even if you don't feel like you're doing a fantastic job, I would be glad to sit with you and eat a cheeseburger
[00:14:30] in our cars, after the kids have gone to bed, in a very ugly way and cry to some music that makes us feel all of our feelings so that we can just remind ourselves that we're human too, we need some space to ourselves. Being a mom, in my opinion, shouldn't be all encompassing. Yes, I'm Isaac's mom. I'm also Leah, I have a personality and a world all of my own that includes and doesn't include him.
[00:15:11] And so if you are looking for that sign, and if you are looking for that permission, to have a moment and say, this motherhood thing is hard, this motherhood thing sucks sometimes and even though I wanted these kids so desperately, even though I became a mom through adoption or foster care or natural childbirth, or however you became a mom, however, desperately you wanted to become a mom, you are still allowed to have the moments
[00:15:43] where you mourn the life you had before you became a mom;
[00:15:56] that doesn't make you a bad person, love; that makes you human. It doesn't make you, your child isn't any worse off because you feel these things. It means you are human, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I am so glad that you joined us here this week for this episode. I know I'm gonna be talking about motherhood more as the episodes go on,
[00:16:22] this was just a little introduction and a little taste of what my thoughts are on motherhood and how I give advice to, uh, people who want to talk to me about motherhood. And I've apparently had these thoughts and feelings from very early on from when my son was not even two years old. The important thing to remember is that you are not walking alone and that we are all faking our way through it.
[00:16:48] Even that one mom who you think has all of her shit together, girl, I'm telling you right now, she's faking it more than anybody, she's faking it more than the rest of us. You're doing a great job. My son tonight, just to be clear, just to give you some perspective, he ate goldfish for dinner. Not like the crackers.
[00:17:09] Like he went to the pond and got goldfish out of the water. I'm just kidding. He ate goldfish crackers and, like, oatmeal cream pie for dinner. I didn't cook a dinner. He sat, we sat, on the couch, watched TV and he ate goldfish and, and oatmeal cream pies. That's what he had for dinner. And you know what?
[00:17:27] It was one of the most fun dinners I've had in a long time. You're doing great mama. And in case you need to hear it in case you wanna play it again throughout the week when you listen to this, I want you to know I will shout from the rooftops, baby girl, that I am rooting for you. I'll see you next time.
[00:17:53] Wait, wait, wait, wait! Before you go! You know what I'm gonna ask, don't you? If you found some value in this podcast, if you feel that others would benefit from taking a listen, please take the time to rate and review this podcast wherever you listen to your podcasts. This is the best way to ensure that these episodes will hopefully find the people who need to hear the most.
[00:18:18] The Leah Ideology Podcast is made with special thanks to my podcast manager, Kay Basconcillo. My son, Isaac, who brings me so much joy and worry that I never run out of things to talk about. And to you, the listener, thank you for coming to spend time with us. And until we meet again, please know, I am rooting for you.