1. Dear Leah of 2002...

Have you ever felt like life is drifting by with you just being a passive character in your own story?

Maybe you struggle with meeting people’s expectations? Or maybe you’re struggling to be accepted for who you are? Perhaps you’re struggling to find a community that feels like home?

In this pilot episode, I introduce myself to you by reading a compassionate letter addressed to my younger self, 20 years ago. In this profound letter, I find myself being more empathetic and kind to myself, regardless of the struggles and uncertainties that come with living life.

Questions that are answered in this episode?

• If you’re feeling like life is getting harder and harder these days, you’re not alone.  Leah discusses a coping strategy that has been effective for her.
• Leah shares what she feels is the one thing we, as humans, want from one another - and how this podcast will try to help in that effort.
• No matter what stage of life you’re in - self-trust (intuition) can be one of the hardest struggles.

New episodes of The Leah Ideology Podcast drop every other Wednesday!

To be included in the BLANKET DROPS, join me on Instagram @leahideology

Facebook / Instagram / TikTok:
@leahideology

MY WEBSITE: www.leahideology.com

Wild Roots Creative:
Shop the jewelry: www.wildrootscreative.shop
Instagram: @wildrootscreative

Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to The Leah Ideology Podcast, where you get to hear all the conversations that take place inside my head. I'll share all the private thoughts that occupy the space inside my mind through letters I write to those around me. I'm your host, Leah Wagner. I'm so glad you're here.

[00:00:28] Oh, my gosh. Welcome to episode number one, our maiden voyage of The Leah Ideology Podcast. I am so excited that you are choosing to spend some time here, willing to give us a chance. This is an exciting venture for me. It's terrifying. Absolutely 100% terrifying, but it's exciting because I feel like…

[00:00:58] …we're on the brink of something really special, right, and I can't wait to see what unfolds once we start sharing and doing life together. So this episode is really important to me, aside of it being the first one, it is the episode that I really want to introduce myself to you so that you know what I'm bringing to the table for you.

[00:01:21] When I was trying to narrow down the podcast, when I was trying to pick a niche and decide what I'm gonna be talking about, I really just wanted to talk about life. I wanted to talk about the things that make life really, really tough, because I think that we're in a time right now, where everybody is just struggling for connection and struggling for relationship.

[00:01:47] And I think what it boils down to, what I've learned and what I've really kind of, taken from listening very carefully and very deeply to those around me is that people want to be loved and accepted right where they are. They don't wanna have to put up a front. They don't wanna have to put up a face.

[00:02:10] They don't wanna have to pretend like they're somebody that they're not. We're tired of that, right? I know I am. We're tired of the masks and the costumes. We just want to be loved and accepted exactly the way that we are. So that is what I'm going to do in this episode. I want to come and I want to bare it all to you.

[00:02:33] I want to talk about the things that I have been through, the things that I am bringing to the table for you, I want to bare it all for you so that we can then, do life together. We can talk about the hard stuff. We can talk about the tough things, we can listen to each other, offer perspective, inspire one another, laugh and cry with one another,

[00:02:58] wherever we are. I want to meet you there. That is what's important to me. So rather than picking out a niche, rather than picking out a specific topic of conversation that we would be talking about every week, I decided that I'm going to write letters, which is kind of confusing because I've been doing it my whole life.

[00:03:22] Right. I write letters and I never send them. It's to help cope with life. It's a therapy mechanism. It is a coping strategy, but I have been writing letters my whole life to the people in my life and I will never ever send them. I get brutally honest. I get very emotional and I find that once I put those thoughts on paper, and once I put them down, I feel much better.

[00:03:50] The difference is now I am going to start sharing those letters. I am going to start opening up that inner world that I have and those conversations that I have with people inside my head or on paper. I am going to share them with you so that we can talk about them. And maybe though you'll find them relatable or maybe you won't agree with me at all,

[00:04:11] and that's okay. I just wanted to start some conversation and, in an ideal world, somebody will listen to what we're talking about and think to themselves, “Oh my God, me too!” Or, “Oh man, I'm so glad that you said that or that we're talking about this, I don't feel so alone. Being human is so hard, It is so hard and it lasts for as long as you are alive, it just keeps going,

[00:04:48] it's a task that doesn't end. And so in order for us to get through it, I want to try to do it together. I wanna try to do it while talking to you and you talk to me and we start this conversation and we build this community, and the best way that I know how to do that is to share these letters with you that come from my mind based on things that actually happen to me, it's the best way that I have to communicate myself to share myself, to share what's inside and make it come outside,

[00:05:18] hopefully for the betterment of everyone around me.

[00:05:30] So this first letter, it's a doozy. I promise you that all of these letters are not going to be as heavy or as long. This was an important one to write because it's me to you. And it's an introductory letter. It's a way for you to kind of get to know who I am in my mind and in my heart. And it's a way for me to, kind of, free myself from things that I have

[00:05:57] been just kind of knocking around and mulling over in my head. So I decided to start the podcast, episode number one, with a letter from me to me. And what I mean by that is, that I have chosen to write a letter to the younger version of myself. So right now we are in June 2022, 20 years ago was June 2002, and I had just graduated from high school.

[00:06:32] So I was a 17-18 year old who knew everything, right, and I thought that this would be an interesting way to introduce myself to you. So you can hear my story. I do want to mention to you, I do wanna put out a trigger warning for this episode. We do talk about very difficult topics, such as sexual assault and rape.

[00:06:58] So if those things, if you need to give yourself space from those kinds of topics, this might not be the letter to listen to, but I promise that there will be more episodes and more letters that aren't so triggering. So this is the letter written from 2022-Leah to 2002-Leah, the 20 year younger version

[00:07:23] of myself, and this is what I had to say to her. Dear, 2002, Leah. Hi love. Before we really get going, I feel like maybe it would be helpful to acknowledge the elephant in the room. I mean, you're graduating from high school. You're going to college in a couple months. Maybe enough time has passed that we can talk about it and then you can finally put it to rest.

[00:07:53] Girl, that haircut that you got in the seventh grade, you remember the one, you walked into the hair salon and felt like such an adult when you said, “I'd like the same haircut as Rachel from friends, please.” The hair stylist said, “No problem.” And she probably did the very best she could with what she had to work with, but, uh, I need to be very clear,

[00:08:21] that that haircut absolutely positively, unequivocally, very literally did not make you look like Rachel from Friends, not even kind of, like in no way, shape or form did you resemble Jennifer Anderson's character, Rachel, from Friends, you looked more like one of the lost boys from Neverland. So maybe hairstyle, fads,

[00:08:51] aren't your thing, maybe those kinds of fads ride on a bandwagon that you can just let ride right on by. Okay. So I'm talking to you right now from the year 2022, 20 years into your future. I know that you're in a phase right now where literally no one can tell you a damn thing, so I'll just talk, I'll just talk,

[00:09:20] and you keep getting ready to go out with your friends and maybe something that I say will grab your attention. I'm going to be talking about tough stuff is the thing, stuff that's going to be hard to hear. Up until now, your life has been damned near perfect. You are loved. You are safe. You are confident in who you are and confident in what's expected

[00:09:49] of you, you are determined to not disappoint anybody, most especially, your parents. You are expected to go out into the world and do well. And right now, as you stand in your bedroom, putting on your mascara to go out for the night, these are expectations that you can guarantee that you'll meet and exceed.

[00:10:18] So the things I'm about to talk about may be hard for you to hear. Your fall from grace is not a pretty one. The perfect little world that has been created for you is going to be invaded by the larger outside world and all the dreams and expectations that people have for you will end up not matching the dreams and expectations you have for yourself.

[00:10:47] And that's when you will have to figure out how to navigate through both using only your gut instincts and your intuition.

[00:11:06] Ah, I said something that caught your attention, maybe. I see you've put down the mascara and you're starting to stare at your reflection in the mirror to answer the question that you're likely asking yourself, no love, you don't need more makeup. You are beautiful without any of that junk on your face. But I know that this isn't a lesson you'll learn until you're over 35 years old,

[00:11:33] so I'll just take advantage of your pause and keep talking. Okay love, here's the tough stuff. In a couple of months, you'll go to college. You will major in communications because your dad told you you're a good communicator, and in your world, dads are never wrong. You will have amazing friends. You will love your professors and they will love you right back.

[00:12:01] You will do exactly what you set out to do, meet and exceed all expectations. But on October 13th, 2002 things take a turn. You will be sexually assaulted. You will be raped by someone you consider to be a friend. You will survive it, and then you will be assaulted again one year later on October 13th, 2003, you'll be raped by two football players.

[00:12:36] They will trap you in a dorm room and overpower you. You will fight back. You will try to save yourself, but you simply won't have the strength to do it. And you'll move home in December 2003. You'll file a lawsuit against the males who assaulted you and against the school for the way in which they will handle your assaults.

[00:13:07] You will file this lawsuit, not because you want to necessarily, but because your parents are hurting, they will be desperate for justice and you want to give them what they want. You want to put their souls at ease. The lawsuit will be invasive. It will be brutal. It will be excruciating. I mean, I'm writing you from 2022, so obviously you live through it, but you limp across the finish line, and you do everything that you can to just move on.

[00:13:52] You'll date the wrong guys. Your self esteem will be so low it'll practically be nonexistent. So you'll date guys that not only reflect that, but who will also take advantage of that. Then in March of 2008, you'll meet a good guy and his name will be Joe. He will be kind, and he will have a big heart. Life will have hurt him just as deeply as it hurt you,

[00:14:22] and you will commit to fixing each other. Joe will propose in June of 2011 and you'll be married in September 2011. And at the time you will not be strong enough to speak your truth, but if you were, here's what you would say, “No, wait, hold on. This just doesn't feel right. Yes. I love this man, but getting married and moving forward with all of this feels like somebody else's story and not mine.

[00:15:01] I don't know how to say no to marriage, but yes to still wanting to be together. I don't know how to say no to this when it feels like I will disappoint everyone. I mean, you've been dating him for three years. Marriage is the next logical step, right? I know that this is what's expected. So then why doesn't it feel quite right?” But you won't know how to say all of that,

[00:15:36] so you'll get married. In July of 2013, you'll have a son. I know girl, it’s crazy. No, like a human one, like a human baby. I know children are not in your plans. And even though you've done some badass babysitting in your day, a child of your own, are you kidding me? Absolutely not. Hard. No. Remember what that one guy said that one time about life and its curve balls or whatever?

[00:16:08] Yeah, so about that, your son will be born on July 28th, 2013. And you'll name him, Isaac. Shhh…it's okay, love. I can feel your stress and overwhelm. Don't worry. I know how you feel about motherhood. I know you think you can't do it. I know you think it's not for you. But here's the thing: I'm here in the year 2022. I'm eight years into being Isaac's mom,

[00:16:44] So I can tell you with absolute certainty that those feelings and thoughts that you are experiencing right now about being a mom? Oh girl, they'll be amplified by 8936%. This is the hardest and craziest thing I have ever done. I want to run away from it at least 79,987 times a day. My point is, you will still be questioning your motherhood, abilities and capabilities.

[00:17:17] Even after being a mom for eight years, you will think you are screwing up your kid on a daily basis and twice on Sundays, and you will feel absolutely out of control every second of every day. It will be a lonely place for you. It will feel insufferable sometimes, but the world will constantly tell you to be grateful and happy,

[00:17:47] so you will try your damnedest. I mean, you're nothing, if you're not a pleaser. You try so hard to be okay on the inside that you actually hurt the one thing that you need to literally stay alive - your heart.

[00:18:13] In December of 2015, the week of Christmas, you'll be admitted to the hospital with stage four heart failure. Your rejection fraction will be 12%. And you'll be told that if you hadn't come to the hospital, right, when you did, you likely would've died later that week. You'll be diagnosed with left ventricular non-com compaction cardiomyopathy.

[00:18:38] It's a genetic heart condition that makes your heart weak and there is no cure, just meds. And this will change everything. You'll sell your house that you and your family are living in, in Pittsburgh, and you'll move back to your hometown of Ligonier. You'll live on the same street as your parents, 21 seconds away from them to be exact. You will write your will for when you are gone.  Your will. The lawyer doing your will

[00:19:17] won't even charge you because he's on Team Wagner rooting for you and your recovery. You will make decisions about what will happen for Joe and for Isaac after you’re gone, after your light is extinguished. Ultimately your marriage with Joe will disintegrate. You'll make a lot of mistakes and you will have to live with the regret that comes with those mistakes.

[00:19:49] Joe will make a lot of mistakes and he will have to find his own path. But don't worry, there's no hatred, there's no rage or malice. You will try counseling and therapy and you will do everything that you can to mend what's broken.

[00:20:11] But after many years of trying, you will decide that while you're amazingly good friends, perhaps husband and wife are not roles you're meant to play for each other. Maybe your timelines crossed so that Isaac could exist, so that you could co-parent together, so that you could be supporters of each other's lives in a meaningful way,

[00:20:39] just not the way that you had originally tried. He will move out. He will date.  And you will date. And you will both try your best to quiet the voices who will be telling you that children who come from a broken home, which as we know from our upbringing and childhood, no child should come from a broken home to begin with.

[00:21:04] But if they do. They stand no chance of happiness or of achieving success in relationships because of the instability and lack of role modeling in the home by the parents who couldn't just keep it together for the sake of the family who chose to, instead, embarrass everyone and make family gatherings uncomfortable and awkward.

[00:21:24] Also Leah, you do know that God doesn't approve of divorce, don't you? So not only does your son not stand a chance in life and you've embarrassed your entire family in front of everyone, but you're also disappointing your creator. Speaking of church, you will leave your home church, the church you’ve attended

[00:21:46] since your childhood, the church you grew up in. You'll be hurt there. And you'll see that just because people attend church on Sunday mornings, doesn't mean that they have any kind of understanding of what integrity means. Just because someone dresses up and plays the part on Sunday morning doesn't, in fact, mean that they have a heart full of love.

[00:22:13] So

[00:22:16] you will leave, you will leave, and you will believe in the reasons why you leave. And you will not look back.

[00:22:27] In 2020 there will be a global pandemic. No, like an actual pandemic. Like, people were quarantined and everything, it was crazy. I don't wanna ruin the surprise for you, I don't wanna give too much away, but I would suggest stocking up on toilet paper and grape jelly, like right now, like in 2002 start. Just trust me.

[00:22:50] During this time, you'll decide to download an app on your phone called TikTok. You'll give it a try and you'll actually become mildly TikTok famous. I know it's crazy. Just let it play out. People do, like, everything on the internet these days. I'm not kidding. People can straight up make bank on the internet by just making YouTube videos,

[00:23:13] I'm totally serious, it's wild. Speaking of the Internet, in 2021, you will fall in love again. His name will be James. You'll meet him on an online dating app and you'll fall for him as soon as he hugs you in his driveway. He will tell you that he loves you. He will look at you like no one else in the world exists.

[00:23:43] You will feel a connection like you've never felt in your life. He will remind you every day of how beautiful you are. He will serve you in so many ways, you have to remind yourself that you aren't actually a queen. He will be sensitive to your sensitivities. He will make you laugh harder than anyone ever has.

[00:24:06] And he will put in the work to show you that he is a man who loves you, who will protect you, and who will be your biggest hype man. He will be your person. Your partner. Do your very, very best to be open to this relationship. Don't make your old mistakes. Don't withhold any part of yourself because he is going love

[00:24:39] all of you. Don't live in the past. Don't listen to what others say, you are not living their love story. You listen to your insides. You listen to your gut. She's never been wrong, not even once. And you are deserving of this kind of love. So do everything you possibly can to allow yourself to receive it.

[00:25:21] Throughout the past 20 years, there really is only one thing that is abundantly constant. Your family loves you. No matter how far you stray and no matter how weird life gets, your family is there. Your parents will very literally do anything for you, your brother still calls you for advice, and you still love your two cousins as though they were actually your siblings. Actually! Listen to this:

[00:25:48] Your cousin, Sean, had a baby! I know! Sean! The kid who got his thumb stuck in the Coke can at the beach. That dude is now a dad. I told you, life is crazy. In 2022, you're going to start what they call a podcast. It's basically a radio show, but like anyone can do it as long as you have a microphone. You're going to start one because, well, you're selfish and you wanna create a community where you fit in.

[00:26:24] You know that feeling you get - the one you probably have right now as you look at yourself in the mirror, full makeup, bangin’ outfit, girl, you look hot, your hair's perfect - that feeling like no matter what you do, you just don't quite fit in. You feel like you don't have the exact right place to belong.

[00:26:49] Hey, good news. At age 38, you still feel this way. And then one day while you're obsessively scrolling through social media, which is something we do in 2022, it's like super fun and super addicting. You'll see a post that says “Create what you wish existed.” And so that's exactly what you'll want to do.

[00:27:15] You'll want to create a space for you to exist because you are going to create it. You will build a community for people who want to belong and who want to be met and loved exactly where they are. You're going to create a space just like that with your podcast. I'm not sure how it's gonna turn out.

[00:27:39] That'll have to be a topic for another letter, but for now you're going to create it. And this is how you are gonna find your people. Now, girl, honestly, you look great. You are going to slay tonight. You look hot, you look like a freshly graduated high school senior who is ready to take on the world, the world, as she knows it to be.

[00:28:12] Here's my advice for you right now. Do everything you possibly can to pay attention to what you are telling you. You are someone that you can trust, even though you don't fully believe that right now, you have amazing intuition and a huge heart for people. These are your superpowers. You think about, and you feel things very, very deeply.

[00:28:49] This is not a weakness. Stop trying to change yourself. I know, I know I'm talking to you at age 38, so I can tell you with all the certainty that you will still very much be struggling with these things as you enter the year 2023. But I feel like if I can try to convince you to love yourself in a truer and more authentic way for even a second longer,

[00:29:18] well, that's where hope comes from, isn't it? That's where strength grows from, right? It's from that place inside of you, that you find your light. I am rooting for. Oh, by the way, you're a cat person. No, I know. Wild, right? You have two cats right now, Chunk and Pretty Girl. And I'm not saying that you love them more than your human son,

[00:29:54] I'm just saying that if you had to choose between Isaac and the cats, you would need, like, a solid minute to think about things. Girl, life is wild. Get ready for the ride. Love. 2022, Leah. I hope that after listening to this letter from me, to me, you feel a little bit closer to me. You feel a little bit more connected to me.

[00:30:22] You feel that this is going to be a safe space for us to share together. Like I said, not all of the letters are going to be that long and that heavy. I just wanted to bear it all so that you know that I am coming to you with all of my walls down and, hopefully, you can do the same. I can't wait until we meet again here next time, where I'll have a new letter about a new topic and we can talk about it as we walk through life together.

[00:30:53] And until we meet again right here, I want you to know, I am rooting for you.

[00:31:06] Wait, wait, wait, wait! Before you go! You know what I'm gonna ask for, don't you? If you found some value in this podcast, if you feel that others would benefit from taking a listen, please take the time to rate and review this podcast, wherever you listen to your podcasts, this is the best way to ensure that these episodes will hopefully find the people who need to hear the most.

[00:31:31] The Leah ideology podcast is made with special thanks to my Podcast Manager, Kay Basconcillo. My son, Isaac, who brings me so much joy and worry that I never run out of things to talk about. And to you, the listener, thank you for coming to spend time with us. And until we meet again, please know, I am rooting for you.